How to flush away the biggest poo

George Foulkes. He's like that jobby that even after three flushes, won't go away - we could pour boiling water on it, hit it with a stick, even ask it nicely, but it just won't go and just keeps stinking out the House. I've never heard a real name that rhymes with "ridiculous wanker", but if you listen closely to the words 'George Foulkes', I can definitely hear a similarity.

Without making much noise about it, Alex Salmond cancelled this week's FMQs owing to the helicopter crash in the North East. He cancelled it, and moved on. He didn't do a Gordon Brown and say 'this is what I've done, and this is why I've done it, and this is why I am wonderfully respectful and this is what I've done' and over-egg the pudding. Apart from people in the blogosphere, who like a chance to sling mud across the e-chamber, the regular people of Scotland won't have noticed that it was cancelled. Whether we like it or not, politics is not popular and most of Scotland couldn't give two hoots about FMQs, because, like PMQs, it makes fuck all difference. Christ, it barely even reaches the Scottish news coverage.

Parties just try and score points, not for the sake of bettering oor wee nation, but as a means of suppressing their inner smugness (SNP), jealousy (Lab), ineptitude (LibDems) or ineffectiveness (Con). Nobody gives a shit - not in the real world.

So George Foulkes, with any excuse to waste oxygen in the name of democracy, comes out and slates Salmond for cancelling it. It's never a good sign when Kezia and Foulkes are attacking from the same hymn sheet, because this is usually the case when Kez realises, "Oh shit, he's having one of his oaf-ish, buffoon days, spouting shit, thinking he's making the world a better place. Better get on the soapbox and try and make some sense of his words to justify it". A thankless task for young Kezia.

In the same way that Georgie likes to bumble nonsense, the Nats (along with everyone else) like to take any chance to shoot him down (and let's face it, there's many a chance). SNP Tactical Voting continues his attack on Labour politicians this week by hitting out at George The Mouth. New blogger, "unashamedly pro-SNP" An Original Idea, gets a solid kick in, taking after most Nats, and normal people, by hitting hard and highlighting a Labour double standard from Foulkes.

But, if we live in a democracy, and pretty much everyone thinks he's an embarrassment (and that includes Labour members), how can we not get rid of him? Surely, somehow, there's a method of flushing away the biggest shit in the parliament? This "Labour attack dog" is just a blinkering idiot who wanders about clueless. He's like Dorothy, just landed in a new world and doesn't understand that no one knows where he came from but he's causing trouble and, in general, life would be better and more peaceful if he just attached a basket to his waist, and spouting his nonsense, hot air-ballooned it out of here and went away. Everywhere he goes, trouble is created, naively thinking that everyone's nice and likes him...er, nope. You spout your crap and Toto Dugdale is sent out to try and make you look like real politician, but to no avail.

We want rid of you, Scotland wants rid of you. You wast our time, our money and our parliament. Cancelling FMQs? Salmond just saved the taxpayer another £100 that you'd have cost us with a stupid shitty question. He saved you embarrassment - well, for now.